Halfway up the mountain...

[Note: Much of the following content could be construed as offensive to delicate sensibilities.  Please proceed with caution.]

So I've made it through the 1st month of the critical care course relatively sane and with all of my lives intact.  I know, I'm a little surprised too.  It's been really intense, and we've lost quite a few people from where we started already.  It's unsettling for those of us still left standing.  I have a decent amount of post-secondary education under my belt, and I can say honestly that none of it holds a candle to this, volume OR complexity-wise.  So much of what I learned in nursing school when I did my degree much makes more sense now than it ever did before though.  And for those of you that may still be unaware of this, your body, the one sitting there absorbing this, is doing amazing and incredibly complicated things to keep you alive right now.  Right at this very moment.

I'm going to try to keep this next point brief, as I know it's a drum I bang frequently.  Being a vocal supporter of participating in the democratic process as I am has compelled me to vote in every election I've been eligible for since I was 18.  I've always done so enthusiastically and without reservation.  But this provincial election, I can honestly say I truly don't WANT to vote.  I'm still going to, but I really, really don't want to support the ludicrous shenanigans that constitute the political discourse in this province.  We seem to swiftly be moving toward American-style "politics" where no one has an actual platform or any ideas, but boy do they have funding to take out adspace pointing out all the faults they can conjure up about any other horse in the race.  I'm frustrated with the childishness and I'm frustrated with the re-zoning that's given me an MLA I know nothing about now.  This election was/is the NDP's to lose, and they sure do seem to be working hard towards that goal, somehow legitimizing that erratic crackpot Hugh McFadyen in the process.  His crap about hallway medicine, his pie-in-the-sky idea that he's somehow going to stumble upon a secret cache of thousands of nurses and hundreds of doctors, his idea that tracking sex-offenders with GPS devices is going to make this city a safer place when it's not even close to the top cause of our crime statistics (though still horrible obviously). 

*For the record, the problem with the nursing shortage is a from-the-ground-up one, not one that will be fixed by throwing out a few thousand work visas to foreign-trained nurses. That's a temporary band-aid, not a solution. (This is in NO way a criticism of international nurses, I promise).  Overhauling nursing education is the key to fixing this problem.  There is most definitely enough interest in the profession, but rather than expanding programs and improving accessibility, there are now only TWO nursing programs in the city where there were 4 only a couple of years ago, and the resultant wait lists are the major discouragement to people wanting to enter the field.  You don't need to hire 2000 nurses Mr. McFadyen.  You need to make the educational process miles more accessible.

Moving on...

In an expression of opinion that will surprise no one who knows me, I came across something yesterday that not only enraged me, it made me feel absolutely sick to my stomach. As many of you know, and many of you probably don't, I work at the largest hospital in the province.  It's actually comprised of 5 hospitals (general, rehab, women's, children's and psychiatric) plus research centres and a campus of the University of Manitoba.  Because of the size of the hospital and the number of professionals working there, the breadth of services available there is truly astounding.  One of the veritable thousands of these services is pregnancy termination.  From time to time, and only EVER in nice weather (you'd be forgiven for thinking abortion is only a sin in the summer, go ahead and terminate in -40), there will be the occasional anti-choice demonstrator in front of Women's.  Usually 1 or 2.  It's distasteful but whatever.  Yesterday (Sunday) I was driving past Women's on my way to St. James, and there was an actual hoarde of them.  Like 60 or 70.  Covered in sandwich boards and ignorance.  On the boulevard, on the curb...soooo much self-righteousness. My first impulse was obviously to roll down the windows and tell them all to go eff themselves, but apparently giving them a reaction only makes things worse.  My second impulse was "I should find out where they all go to church and show up there wearing big signs judging THEIR choices."  Someone should really (and just as a stunt obviously, no child actually deserves this) go up to these people with a high-needs baby and say "Here. Go raise this child yourself since you felt my decision to terminate this pregnancy was erroneous and sinful."  See how fast the Christian charity flies out the window then.  Assuming you know what's best for someone else, and in these people's cases, someone else you've never met and know nothing about, is arrogant, ignorant, condescending....I could go on.  I'm also going to go out on a limb and assume none of these are attributes the Bible endorses.  You're free to have these opinions, just keep them out of the faces of people who have enough on their plate already.  And P.S protestors, it was Sunday.  They don't do abortions on Sunday.  Likely you were just annoying new mothers and women with cancer.  Bra-vo.

To finish up, I love, love, love how this man says heroin.

And this here I need to watch asap.  As soon as I can find it anyways lol.  What happened to Mike Meyers' career???

Thanks for hanging in there with me.  I know this was a lot of volume!

"Happiness can only exist in acceptance." - George Orwell

[Insert clever title here]

Thus ends one of the tensest, ickiest weeks I can remember (for reasons some of which will be explained below).  I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I dragged myself through far too many motions, and unsurprisingly I hit the weekend fairly run down and cranky.  Starting to feel better, starting to sleep again, and hoping the upcoming week will be a little more tranquil.

School is.......well.......dry.  The days are kinda long, and it's shocking how fast I'd forgotten what school's really like.  It hasn't really sunk in yet that this is really IT.  This is life now.  At least for the next 6 months.

As anyone who knows me knows, I am NO fan of the "crazy cat lady" or more recently noted "crazy dog man" musings, especially when they're incessant.  But since mine aren't, I'm going on one now.  Feel free to skip down if it's not your thing.  My cat Hobbes and I have been co-habitating now for about 5 years.  And we've had our ups and downs, but he's basically a sweetheart who loves the crap out of me.  He loves to cuddle and keep me company no matter what I'm doing, and he tolerates my long hours and trips out of town with very little complaining.  However, as he's gotten older, my Hobbes has become increasingly intolerant of leaving the apartment.  He doesn't mind getting into his carrier, he LOATHES getting out of it in a strange place.  It turns him into a vicious, feral, unmanageable nightmare.  So as a result, I don't take him anywhere unless it's absolutely necessary (ie. the vet).  This past week though I had to take him out of the apartment for the day because some work was being done and he couldn't be home for it.  I packed him and his stuff up and took him to my darling friend Amber's before school.  He was unhappy when I dropped him off, but when I went to retrieve him after school he was monstrous.  Backed into a corner and hissing and snarling and in no mood to let me anywhere near him.  Noises you would never expect that a cat would ever be able to make.  I tried coaxing him out with food, his toys, calm talk, I tried throwing a towel over him to wrap him up and put him in his carrier, and ended up bleeding myself.  I called my vet to ask them for advice, and their extremely wise counsel was the following: "I think the best approach would be to just pick him up and put him directly into his carrier."  Wow.  Why I hadn't thought of that, I'll never know.  I called the Humane Society, left a message for their behavioural specialist and talked to a nice girl who suggested that if my cat had become feral, I should consider euthanization.  She then suggested I call Animal Services to help trap my cat, because if the cat had already attacked me I shouldn't try to contain him myself anymore.  I called Animal Services, and they seemed really quite helpful until they told me it could be 1 whole business day before they could help me, and if I agreed to let them trap Hobbes, I was also agreeing to let them take him away.  I was devastated.  I couldn't leave him in Amber's bedroom, but I couldn't get him out myself, I didn't see what other options I had.  I sat there alone in my friend's house and cried.  A lot.  I felt horribly guilty for having put him in this position in the first place (even if there was nothing I could do about it), and now having to consider the idea of having him put down because of it was way too much.  Thankfully Amber came home from work a few hours later with her Dad and the 2 of them came up with a relatively easy plan, and scooched him into a carrier, and I got him home with zero problems.  Let him out at home and it was as though he'd never left.  He was exhausted for a couple of days but quite content.  Poor little boy :(

Apropos of nothing, I have been seeing commercials on the Comedy Network for the Charlie Sheen roast lately, and I have to say, while I don't give a crap about Charlie Sheen, something about this seems vaguely exploitative.  Like roasting a child, or someone with Alzheimer's.  I mean he's obviously got some mental health issues, and even if he didn't, making fun of his shortcomings and follies just seems easy and lazy.

Rugby World Cup has started!!  They're having it in New Zealand this year, and what's great is that the matches are taking place all over the country not just in Auckland.  Canada qualified, but they're in a pool full of amazing teams and won't make it past the 1st round.  So it's the All Blacks all the way to the end :)

Last hurrahs

So in an attempt to wring the last few drops of summery fun out of summer, I spent the weekend camping with my friend out in the Whiteshell (where I haven't been since I was young) and It. Was. Fantastic.  Amber got a campsite right on the lake, the weather was gorgeous, and we spent all our time outside.  I haven't been camping like that in approximately 8 years.  All my camping since then has been in my parents' RV, which has a shower, a queen size bed, a fireplace and a full kitchen in it.  Camping this is not.  We as a family have no illusions about this. But this past weekend we were about 50 yards from the beach, cooked outside, had a fire, sat by the water while the sun went down, it was amazing.  Like Amber said "Stuff like this is good for your soul."  The past few years the summers have been so crappy/rainy/cold/non-existent that lots of quintessential "summer stuff" falls by the wayside, but this year, while I missed out on some of my staples (ie. Folklorama, Fringe Fest), there's been more outside, classically summery stuff this year, like BBQ's, beaching, camping, etc.  I've had a few bouts of heat stroke and I still burn like a peach (even with SPF 60.  Hell, even under an umbrella once), but totally worth it.  Awesome stuff.  Have a great week everyone!

"Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one." - Eleanor Roosevelt

A week laden with emotional pitfalls. Or Becca attempts a stiff upper lip and fails.

I woke up, like the rest of Canada, Monday morning, to the news that Jack Layton had passed away.  I will admit to crying. A fair bit. I didn't know him personally (obviously), but I've always liked him since he took over the NDP back in 2003.  I have voted NDP in every election I've been eligible to vote in, and in large part, I feel it's due to the trust he was able to engender from Canadians.  He was a charasmatic, intelligent and persuasive leader and will greatly be missed in the Canadian political landscape, which I worry veers ever closer to American style politics all the time under Steve.  He tirelessly advocated for the idea of looking after each other, and putting the needs of the many above the needs of the few, a welcome and essential counterpoint to the current Conservative government ideology. 

I remember when the 2011 federal election was about to start, my mother and I were watching the news and they showed an appearance Jack Layton was making and we both gasped at how terrible he looked.  Haggard, gaunt, using a cane to get around....but the remarkable thing was, unlike pretty much anyone else on the face of the Earth would, Jack started looking better and better as the election wore on. (Seriously, look at Barack Obama. 3 years in office and he looks 15 years older than when he started)  Like he was feeding off the momentum and energy his party was gaining.  I think his increasingly vibrant-looking public appearances settled concerns about his health, and reassured that he was going to be ok, if he could make it through something so arduous looking so robust.  It's so heartbreaking that he did make it through all of that, leading the NDP to such amazing gains, and then was robbed of the chance to enjoy it.  I worry now, with such a powerful influence gone, that Stephen Harper will take this opportunity to run roughshod over any social progress that might have been made (I'm sorry, I just assume he's evil untrustworthy. His hair NEVER moves. Like it's screwed onto his robot body every morning).  Hopefully the NDP are able to carry on successfully without Jack.  Rest in peace.  Thank you for reminding us all that humanity can and should have a place in politics.

Tuesday night was my last shift on GA3.  I think, to my credit, I only cried about 5 times.  A3 gave me my first nursing job, and showed me what it was like to be part of a family in the place that you work.  To face life and death, joy and sorrow, hope and despair, with a group of people you can unquestionably count on to have your back.  That, contrary to my senior practicum experience, nursing wasn't exclusively populated by backstabbing, negative, petty people who want to see you fail.  I was accepted and supported from my very first day on A3, and I will never forget that.  I wouldn't be the nurse I am today without the fabulous people there.

Just as an aside, may I say how irritating I find Hugh McFadyen's new election commercials.  Talking about how "Greg Selinger promised an end to hallway medicine and now we have more hallway medicine than ever."  I work at the biggest hospital in the province, and we don't keep people in the hallways.  If we're not able to accomodate someone, we send them somewhere that is.  Probably not hallway medicine like they had back when the last Conservative government fired all those nurses....Hey. Hugh. If health care is going to be one of your election "legs to stand on", you'd better make sure it's not made of crap.

"Always remember that the future comes one day at a time." - Dean Acheson

Thursday thoughts mash-up

Celebrities That Should Just. Stop.
- Tom Cruise
- Gwyneth Paltrow
- Everyone on Glee that isn't Jane Lynch
- Katherine Heigl
- Seth Macfarlane
- Jennifer Love Hewitt (Seriously! Give up!)
- Jeff Dunham (Being racist and ignorant through a puppet is still being racist and ignorant)
- Mariah Carey
- Christina Aguilera
- Every single Kardashian there is. Except maybe Kim. I like a nice caboose.
- Charlie Sheen
- Angelina Jolie. Quit saying you're retiring from movies to focus solely on your refugee camp photo ops if you're not really gonna do it.
- Lindsay Lohan. You're such a sweet girl and a good actress but you're squandering it and it's becoming annoying.
- Nicole Kidman
- Jennifer Aniston. Your movies are terrible.
- Those Jersey Shore kids. You've had your moment in the sun(tanning booth). Move along.
- Whitney Houston.  There's no shame in admitting your best days are behind you.

Anybody have anyone they want added to the list? I know you do!

Celebrities I Hope Never Stop
- Michael Caine
- Helen Mirren
- Dolly Parton. That woman warms the cockles of my heart.
- Betty White. I bet she gets freaked out being the last remaining Golden Girl. Like Death may be looking over her shoulder.
- Sean Connery
- James Franco (not because he's "soooo cute" but because he's always doing crazy crap that by rights he shouldn't be)
- Natalie Portman
- Alexander Skarsgard (though what I hope he "never stops" is his shirtlessness)
- Anna Paquin. Cute as a bug's ear.
- Jennifer Lopez. I don't care what anyone says.
- John Stamos. Getting handsomer every day.
- Amy Poehler. She's going to be an adorably crass little old lady some day.

The B Monthly List of Stuff I Like Lately
- Online window shopping
- Tzatziki.  Even more than usual.
- Dill pickle chips
- William and Kate. Yes they're overexposed, but as nice, sweet kids doing a good job of behaving themselves internationally.
- Lettuce-less salads
- Saying what's on my mind with an increasing amount of assertiveness AND tact!
- Jason Momoa (actually guys with long hair generally....that's new...see also: Troy Polamalu)

- Music I listened to in the 90's. I'm feeling nostalgic.
- Gogol Bordello. It's like Prozac, it makes you THAT happy.

- The fact that I've got time off at the end of August to actually spend with my parents who I've barely seen all summer.

- BEACH DAY NEXT WEEK!!! I'm looking at you Norma! And whoever else wants to come!

"When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice." - Saul Bellow

Waves of relief followed by.......

So after much anxiety, hand-wringing and some hyperventilating (not to mention only about an hour of sleep beforehand total), I trotted off to my ICU course interview this morning.  And you know what?  I nailed it.  I don't think I've ever had an interview go so well.  I tend to interview kinda airheaded.  You know when someone asks you a question, and you can tell there's a specific answer they're looking for, but you're not giving it?  Yeah, that wasn't me this morning for a change.  Nailed it.  I'm in.  I start 6 months in the Ninth Circle of Hell on September 6 (the interviewer's words in addition to mine!).  ICU is pretty much the biggest thing a bedside nurse can aspire to.  I always thought I'd do it some day, but I thought it would take me years to feel ready.  I'm kind of nervous but mostly excited.  I want to take a moment to thank my darling friend Michael Yeibio for talking me off the ledge and bringing my voice down several octaves last night.  There's a certain kind of tension I'm not used to an abundance of in my life, and I wasn't managing it well.  Who knew that not remembering the difference between hypercapneic and hypoxic respiratory failure could incite such frenetic pacing and tachycardia??

I'm not enjoying this season of True Blood.  I'm just not.  It doesn't leave me hanging and caring what happens next week like it used to...they're following too many fringe-character storylines no one cares about...the music continues to be great though, like this past weeks title song:

Neko Case also did a really great cover of She's Not There with Nick Cave for the season premiere.  I still like Malcolm McLaren's cover from Kill Bill better, but this one is definitely different:

It's Folklorama time again in Winnipeg, the time of year when we all feel obligated to head out to various community centres, churches and arenas to wait in interminable lines for standing room only to watch some uncoordinated teenagers attempt the cultural dances of their homelands at the behest of their parents.  Having said that, there are a couple of new ones I wouldn't mind checking out this year (Brasil Carnival, Ethiopia, Punjab, 2 of which are at the Convention Centre, so I'll probably actually go).  I think Folklorama is one of those things that everyone in Winnipeg is "supposed" to like.  Like Folk Fest.  No one wants to admit it's tedious, disappointing or insufferable because it's one of the few things this city really has going for it.  Which is probably ok. 

Lastly, congratulations to my friends Steve and Roy on the births of their babies, Steve a little boy named Zach, and Roy a little girl named Annalise.  Finally, gender balance has come to HSC!!

That's all for now, thanks for reading :)

"Do more of what makes you happy" - Unknown

Career planning and medieval intrigue

It's been a weird couple of months.  Kind of disjointed, like I've been asleep for much of it.  My application to Health Canada lurches on, though I believe I somewhat blew the interview the other day (No. I DON'T know any more about babies and I do NOT have anything else to add.)  However, I made a different decision in the meantime.  I put my application in to the Critical Care nursing course, to start beginning of September.  Honestly, once I had made the decision and put my paperwork in, it felt right.  I felt immediately brighter and more hopeful.  I still have to see if I get accepted.  My very dear work brother (from another mother) Cameron is applying too, so at least I won't be out in the stress woods all alone.  Health Canada said should they offer me a position, the orientation can be deferred to the spring, so at least my options may still be open.  I love my coworkers on A3 hugely, and they were the prime factor in my not wanting to go.   They are truly my family, and it breaks my heart when I think about leaving them. But this opportunity is too big to pass up.

After approximately 5 and a half hours of sheer torture, the tattoo is done and healed.  I'm so, so thrilled with it.  Big thanks and love to Carly Montgomery at Soul Survivors.



The proportions of this photo are bizarre.



I recently got super into an HBO show called Game of Thrones. It's based on a series of books (that I haven't read) that are apparently about medieval power struggles amongst ruling families in a made-up kingdom. Before she died, Ashley tried to get me into it, and I kept telling her, I'm not some D&D nerd, I'm not watching that!!  But a few weeks ago, HBO ran the entire first season over the weekend, so I PVR'd it.  I watched the first episode, and literally had no opinion.  It didn't make me want to watch more of it, but it didn't turn me off.  So I watched the second episode, and it completely sucked me in....it's soooooo good.  I think I like that it's a period show, but it's not about dragons (much) and magic and wizards, it's much more political and intriguing.  The thing now is, Ashley is the only person I knew that watched it, so I have NO ONE to discuss it with!  Every once in a while, something will remind me of her, and I have these brief moments of truly profound sadness.  I'll come out to the parkade where she used to park her old Mercedes by my car, and I'll think about how it'll never be there again.  I'll look at the next shift's assignment at work and realize I'll never give her shift report again. It's the strangest kind of grief I've ever experienced, and I realized this week that it's made me feel oddly protective of my current senior practicum student (though I try not to act all mother-hen at her!)  Damn Ashley, you'd better be enjoying yourself wherever you are, my girl, we all miss you.